Where our journey started
Maranda and I thought about starting a family for many years. We would feel like the time was right and then life would stop us. After we got married in October 2015 we felt like it was the perfect timing. I started tracking my ovulation and we started looking into sperm banks. Then, in the spring of 2016 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and Anxiety. I was in such a horrible place personally, I knew I had to get better before I could have kids. In the fall of 2016 our family took a huge blow when my Dad lost his 5 year battle with Cancer. After Dad passed away we moved my mom in with us and then concentrated on getting her house sold. I honestly was a complete mess, this was such a crazy time in our lives. With so much to deal with kids were out of the question. In the Summer of 2017 we finally felt like things has smoothed out and we could start trying to get pregnant.
What we did first
I had been tracking my ovulation and basal temp for quite sometime. We decided on our Sperm Bank, so about 3 days before I believed that I would be ovulating we ordered our sperm. It arrived the next day all safe and sound in it’s cryotank. I woke up each morning and tested my urine, I never got a 100% positive test that I had ovulated but, we inseminated anyway, following the app that I used to track my periods.
I did a ton of research on insemination and found that there are two methods of insemination, ICI or Intracervical Insemination and IUI or Intrauterine Insemination. We decided to try Intracervical Insemination, it seemed to be the easiest and most natural method. Here are a couple products that I used to increase our chances of conceiving.
- Stork OTC , the website says this is a home conception device that is supposed to enable the sperm to quickly bypass the vaginal tract and place them as close as possible to the opening of the cervix, right where they need to be to swim up through.
- Preseed, is a fertility friendly lubricant that mimics your own fertile fluids to assist sperm on their journey.
Unfortunately, these products didn’t work for us, but that does not mean that they won’t work for you. The websites have good reviews and success stories. If you are trying to conceive, I would try them.
After two attempts of ICI with no luck we decided to try IUI at home. I am not recommending that you do this, we are just cray cray… We ordered the specula and tubing and when the time what right we inseminated. This last attempt was in December of 2017 and sadly we did not get pregnant. We talked about what to do from here and decided that we needed to see a fertility doctor.
Fertility Doctor
We started doing research and found a fertility clinic near us so we made an appointment. We went in to RMA and met with Dr. Patounakis for our first consultation. Maranda and I felt so comfortable, we decided to get started right away. We did a few tests to make sure that I did not have any physical issues, such as blocked tubes, that would keep me from getting pregnant and everything came back clear.
In our consultation with Dr. P, we talked about what we had already tried and had not worked. He suggested that we take a more aggressive approach and try medication. We talked about Clomid and Letrizole. We decided to try Letrizole since it seems to have good results. We were very excited and nervous but, hopeful that we would finally be able to start our family.
The First Month
We met with Dr. P in February and we decided that we would start meds with my next period and inseminate. Maranda and I had a trip planned to the mountains in North Carolina the first week of March 2018. While we were on vacation I started my period, it was early. In previous months, I spotting for days leading up to the start of my period and this time that didn’t happen. I called and reported my period and Dr. P called me back and said that this is earlier than it should be and with no spotting. He speculated that my hormones had been off and that was why I was having a hard time getting pregnant. We were hopeful that maybe the medication was correcting my hormones. Once I returned from vacation we waited the week or so for me to go in and check my follicles. We realized that I had just ovulated, which was also earlier than it should have been based on the date I started my period and the calculations that Dr. P had made. We were given the option to inseminate that day or the next but, we decided to wait.
The Second Month
Just like the month before, the day I started my period I called and reported it and then we scheduled for me to go in about a week or so later. I started my medication, which was a 2mg. dose once a day for 5 days. During the next two weeks I went in for multiple Ultrasounds to check my follicle production.
When the follicle was measuring a good size Dr. P instructed me to do my trigger shot the next day. The trigger shot is an actual shot that is given in the lower abdomen that stimulates your follicles to Ovulate.
We scheduled me to come back 36 hours later for the IUI. Dr. P did an ultrasound as he did the insemination so that we could watch the sperm enter the uterus. I remember after this 1st insemination I felt like we finally got it right. We had someone on our side who knew what he was doing and had our best interests in mind. The two week wait for this insemination was rough, I wanted to get pregnant so badly I kept telling myself it would never happen so I wouldn’t be as disappointed if it didn’t. The day before I was supposed to go in and test, I went to the bathroom and I was spotting, I thought, ok maybe this isn’t my period maybe it’s implantation bleeding, I quickly corrected myself and said, no it’s probably my period. I went to the bathroom a million times that day to check my bleeding and slowly it turned into the start of my period. I was sad but, had all ready convinced myself that it wouldn’t take.
The Third Month
For the month of May we did all the same things except, we increased my medication dosage from 2 mg. to 5mg. I was again very hopeful that this would result in a pregnancy, but to protect myself I never really allowed myself to believe it would happen. I once again started my period the day before I was supposed to test. By this point I really had convinced myself that I wasn’t gonna have kids, it was the only way I could cope with the disappointment, by telling myself it would probably never happen. Our sperm donor had three vials when we started this process and we purchased all three. Dr. P said to me on my next visit that he could increase my medication one more time from 5mg. to 7mg. If I still didn’t get pregnant then we would have to start looking at other options. We had one vial of sperm left and I knew it was our last shot. IVF was going to be too expensive and the donor that we wanted to use didn’t have anymore sperm available. Dr. P said if we do this there is a chance that I might end up with multiples. I said that’s ok, I am willing to take the risk, never thinking for one second that I would actually get pregnant and especially not with more than one baby.
Fourth Month
We did all the same things and increased my medication again. The morning of the insemination I was by myself. These appointments were always early in the morning. Dr. P came in and we did the insemination. The difference between this one and all the others was, it felt very rushed. Dr. P was busy that day so he didn’t chat with me the way that he normally did. I had a small freak out the month before and wanted to take a break from trying to go on a diet and start working out everyday to try to drop 10 or so pounds thinking that would increase my chances of conceiving. Dr. P explained that he did not think that was the best idea, he didn’t want us to stop in the middle. After thinking about it, I agreed to do the last insemination. I left that morning after the IUI and thought.. Oh well, we tried. I can’t keep beating myself up over this. If it’s meant to be then it will be.
For this two week wait, I let everything go. I stopped stressing and just enjoyed my life. I was prepared for whatever the outcome was. On the day of the insemination Dr. P called me and he apologized for being rushed earlier that morning. He then asked how I was feeling and I told him good. I thought something was wrong because he had never called me the day of the insemination before. He told me that when he went back and was looking through everything from that morning he realized that I had two really good sized follicles and the number of motile sperm in that insemination was the largest amount that they had used with me up to this point. He said that he was feeling really good about this round. I thought ok, I’m not getting excited, the chance that I’m going to get pregnant is slim.
We had been trying on and off for almost a year at this point. I decided that if I got pregnant it would be wonderful and if not that was ok to. I went about my daily activities, I didn’t freak out about every change I was feeling, like I had done in the past. Almost a week after the insemination I realized that I was getting really sleepy in the afternoon. I would come home from work and take a nap almost everyday. This was very unusual, I never napped, but, I thought maybe I was stressing, even though I had tried to let it all go. It was the weekend after the insemination and Maranda had worked a night shift. I was very sleepy so I took a nap late in the evening. When I woke up it was about 2am and I was starving. I got up and went into the kitchen and heated up a slice of pizza. Maranda had just gotten home from work and was on the phone with her best friend who lives on the West Coast. As she watched me get my food and head back to the bedroom she told her best friend, “Im pretty sure my wife is pregnant!” She told me, days later, that she had never seen me get up in the middle of the night to eat like that, that’s why she was pretty sure the insemination had worked.
The day before I was supposed to go in and test, I was cleaning the house. I had good energy and felt at peace and happy. All of a sudden I started cramping. It stopped me in my tracks, and I thought oh no! I went straight to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I was so heartbroken. I thought damn, it didn’t work. I cried and then I took a deep breath and said, it is what it is, this was not meant for me. I started cleaning again to keep my mind off of everything and sadly my cramping got worse. I have always had cramps but, not usually at the very beginning of my period. They got so intense that I stopped what I was doing and layed down on the couch. I texted Maranda, who was at work, and told her I was either pregnant or having a miscarriage because I had never had cramping that felt like this. I kept going to the bathroom to check my bleeding. To my surprise, it never got worse, over the next few hours it slowly stopped and so did my cramping. I was baffled, I thought what is this. Am I actually pregnant..
The next morning we went into the doctor very early and I was nervous for the results of my blood work. I chatted with Dr. P as they drew my blood and I went over all the different things that I thought could be happening. He patiently listened and then very gently said or you could just be pregnant. I said, maybe.. after the months of trying and the disappointment I didn’t want to let myself get too hopeful. Maranda and I grabbed some breakfast and headed home. I was laying on the couch with my feet in Maranda’s lap when my phone started ringing. I looked and saw that it was Dr. P’s office. I thought oh no, they have never called this early. I hope I’m not miscarrying. I answered the phone and Dr. P said hello, he then asked if I wanted him to give me the news now or wait. I said, you can give us the news now. He said, great, you’re pregnant! I looked at Maranda and we both burst into tears. He started giving me the numbers of my levels and I remember I said gosh that’s pretty high isn’t it. He said yes….and I said does that mean more than one baby, he said sometimes they see really high levels with single pregnancies, we would have to wait for the Ultrasound. It was July 2nd, 2018 when we found out that we were pregnant. We were scheduled to go back on July 4th for a second blood test to confirm that everything was good. All my levels were doubling and tripling just as they were supposed to. We were so excited about being pregnant that we bought a stroller/ infant carrier combo on July 4th because it was on sale and deeply discounted.
We went back about a week and a half or so later for our first Ultrasound after finding out we were pregnant. We knew there was a chance that it could be multiples but, we didn’t think that it actually was. We started the Ultrasound and Dr. P immediately found the baby and then he moved the wand and there was the second baby. Even though I knew that it was possible, actually hearing that it was twins was so surreal and then seeing two tiny beings growing inside of me was stunning. I had spent so much time convincing myself, I would never get pregnant that I was really in shock but, so happy! I still think it took a few more months to actually sink in that not only was I pregnant but with twins. Dr. P told us that one of the fetus was very small and he wasn’t sure if it would make it. He thought that my body might just reabsorb it. Thank god that never happened and we have two beautiful healthy babies! By the way we were able to return the stroller we bought and get a double. 🙂
Trust That What Will Be, Will Be
I think one of the hardest things through all of this was having to come to terms with the fact that I might not get pregnant. Even with everything that we were doing and had already done there was still a very real possibility that I would never have kids. For many couples getting pregnant is costly, we had great insurance that covered a good portion of the cost but, we were still responsible for large costs, such as sperm. We did not have an unlimited source of money to continue to throw at this. Maranda and I prayed about this almost everyday. I knew that if it was meant to be for us then we would have children, if not, I knew that just meant that God had another plan for us.
I looked around and saw all the things that God had already provided. My amazing wife, our beautiful home, good jobs and amazing friends and family. I knew I was already so blessed that children would just be an extra blessing. Our journey up to this point had been so wonderful and I was grateful for all of it even if I didn’t end up pregnant.
Trust me, I know that when the only thing you want in the whole entire world is a baby and you aren’t able to make that dream come true it’s agonizing. Keep your head up and realize that you have done nothing wrong and you are still an amazing person with or without kids. God has a plan for each and everyone of us and I know from experience that if you put your trust in him, he will provide. You may not get exactly what you want but, you will get exactly what you need.
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